it feels like age is relevant after all

paris

I feel a great sense of urgency.  I want to live in an interior world that is creative, academic, and filled with ideas and information. Maybe, it is because I am only a couple of years away from the end of my fifties, and I must admit that I am all too aware of the clock ticking. Two parents who suffered dementia/alzeimer’s; I have been painfully confronted with the reality that the length of years has nothing to do with the quality of those years.

More and more, I feel resentful that I have to continue working. I like my job, some days I hate it, and I am painfully aware that I am more librarian than teacher, but then again a librarian is always a teacher anyway. I often feel like a pretender both roles.

I crave the freedom to be able to think and read, to debate and share. To enrich lives through information and awareness, but to be quiet when I choose.

The public face we need to portray is does not fit, if it ever did. The interior me is quiet, and contemplative. I want information and knowledge, and while I enjoy sharing, I do not share to force an opinion, I like to share to raise awareness so that people can form their own opinions.

My family are more extroverted than I, well, Mr FD has over the years become introverted in ways that seem to balance mine, but can also sometimes irritate me. No doubt my introversion does the same for him. We bump along somehow, but I don’t need nor do I seek, the distraction of people or places.

I am the person who could walk through a museum in utter contentment alone. I can dine alone and be oblivious to those around me, except for the undisciplined child beside me who risks my teacher’s voice. Mr FD has mastered the art of movie watching in theatres alone, but I don’t know if I can as I have never had the opportunity. I suspect I would do it well!

I resent the lack of time, the lack of quiet, the lack freedom to be and do what I need, not unlike most people, I know. I don’t care about you in this moment though, it is me, for when the last breaths come, that is all there will be…me.

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9 thoughts on “it feels like age is relevant after all

  1. I share every word there. Except the number – I am a more than a decade younger, but I feel the exact same thing. That last phrase – that the last breath should be me – THAT is the thought I had been struggling to put into words.
    My dear FD, you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know what you mean about feeling like a pretender. Sometimes I feel as though I’m wearing so many masks so I can resonate with this post. I also crave the quiet and solitary times and feel comfortable with my own thoughts. You’re definitely not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good Morning..
    I have had reason to research cause.. and cost of Alzheimer’s. (Moms knows me in the sixth year at 93)
    Here in the U.S. i suggest to anyone who does not have long term care ‘coverage’ to get it.
    As far as the prevention of something like this all I found one can do is take Vitamin ‘D’ and ‘E’.. the latter found when someone noticed portly women were less likely to be afflicted by dementia.. esp. Alzheimers.
    You must know this type of thing skips a generation.. hopefully this is the case with you. Much as with other things that seem obvious to a medical layperson such as myself.. I do see the misfire of a neurotransmitter can be helped and possibly prevent the disease with exercise of the self..
    I do wish you peace from the apprehension of something that has not affected you personally.. meditate.. understanding will find answers unique to you in this eternity we live.. the cosmic is true.. it contradicts the narrow understanding of those who refused to recognize global warming.. and so on.. what you know you know.. take these happy seconds and free them from unnecessary worry.. the only true change is in truth.. but then you know that..

    Happy Sunday.. Peace Tony

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Florida Scott-Maxwell once wrote, “If we have hardly lived at all, it may be much harder to die. We may have to learn that we failed to live our lives.” Sounds like you are concerned about reaching the end knowing you lived your life.

    Like

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