A modern wife’s guide to life : first catch your husband

When I was a child, my Dad raised chickens and would butcher them for our Sunday dinner. It was not an activity anyone wanted to join in. I came across an article on butchering chickens and I couldn’t help “tweaking” it a little. Here it is:

butcher woman

Butchering Husbands: Tips from the Trenches

Eve: I tie a rope to each of the husband’s feet and hang him upside down. He calms down immediately. Them I use a sharp knife to make one deep slit across the side of the neck. The blood drains quickly. I heat a pot of water to around 160-170 degrees. If it’s too hot, the skin will tear. I dunk the whole husband in the hot water for about 30 seconds. Use a fork to get the lungs out. They are the hardest part of the husband to remove.


Mary: I like to wrap mine tightly in a towel and hold them until they are really calm. I think it is an incredibly important thing to do yourself. It gives you a real connection to your kill and the freedom that is looming.


Adele: I think most importantly, don’t stress and don’t panic, it’s important to stay calm to do the job correctly and to keep the husband calm before the deed is done. Be grateful and respectful; this husband is giving his life so that you can be free, end that life in the most respectful way possible. We always hold the husband until he is calm and say thank you for your leaving. Know that you gave the husband the best life and death possible, and most other husbands haven’t had it so good. Logistically, watch all the YouTube videos on it that you can before you start, they’ll make you more comfortable and knowledgeable. If at all possible, find someone who knows what they’re doing and can show you the ropes. Have everything you need set up before you even bring the husband over, including pre-heated water for scalding. We always do it outside, it’s a smelly process.


Jocelyn: Just a sensible word of advice – don’t ever bury dead husbands on your property. You’ll invite police. If you are not going to eat them or feed them to your animals, take them to the edge of your town for disposal.

butcher 2


Fiona: The best and most humane way we found: Once you grab them, turn them upside down. Not only do they calm down, but they get faint after awhile. Tie the feet together, and hang them from a post. Since they are groggy at this point, the killing is not too traumatic for them (or you) — slit their throat, making the cut up and down, not across the throat.


Barbara: It does take a while to get used to it, and be good at it.


Sarah: Boil the water beforehand and don’t kill too many at once. You don’t want it too take more than hour before the first husband hits the ice. I just use a large pair of kitchen shears for the initial strike. I remove the skins, hair and all.


Deliah: Make your first chop be your last.


(If this was your original blog post, thank you for being a good sport. And just think about all the extra traffic you have gained through my plagiarism!)


3 thoughts on “A modern wife’s guide to life : first catch your husband

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