ēlevātus

elevator woman

I have never been stuck in an elevator. That isn’t a finite statement, as there is still plenty of time for me to experience being trapped in a lift. I have come close a few times when I worked in an old University Library and the original lift groaned and moaned  while thinking about whether it would open and was out of order more than not, but somehow I was never incarcerated.

elevator blue

Mr FD once worked in an old building that had one of those old elevators with the wrought iron doors and it had a penchant for stopping about a foot above or below the floor level. The doors would open but the occupants either had to step up or down. Life was an adventure every day!

Two work colleagues were trapped for a couple of hours in a shopping mall elevator at night. They used the phone to call for help, and thought help was coming, but it turns out the guy on the other end changed shift and their situation was not followed up. In the end they were rescued by phoning one of their Dads who rang the emergency line and help was finally summoned.

Daughter2 was trapped for about 45 minutes. Ever resourceful in most situations, she sat on the floor, and took out her knitting. She knitted and chatted to the guy back at the elevator office, who said she was the calmest person in an elevator he had ever witnessed. Knitting while trapped was a first as well.

My problem is that as soon as I know I can’t go to the bathroom if I need to, I instantly feel as though I urgently need to pee. Like when you just think about going on a diet and then become twice as hungry as ever before! I am sure that once aware of not being able to exit an elevator I would need to, well, you know.

Maybe I should carry a pairs of disposable incontinence panties that oldies use. Would I have to wear them all the time, just in case I have need of an elevator and so was ready for all eventualities; or do I  carry them in my handbag and don them should the need arise? It would mean asking everyone to turn their backs while I change into my pee panties, but it could be embarrassing if it is  mirrored, or worse still a glass elevator. If it was on the outside of the building I could go viral.

elevator glass

Oh, and why do we still call them a pair  of pants? They are singular. They are no longer two pants legs tied or buttoned in the middle and have not been so for many decades, so why a pair of pants? A pair of gloves, yes, they are singular and two. Pants are one.

Anyway, back to the elevator. You haven’t solved my urination problem yet. Do I pee in the corner and hope no ones notices the puddle? Worse still, what if it is… um, a number 2? And no ventilation!

No ventilation and everyone else has bad breath and I need to puke?

These questions need resolving people, this could happen to any of us!

In the meantime, I am taking the stairs.

elevator old

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13 thoughts on “ēlevātus

  1. I don’t think it’s just oldies wearing them FD. I’m always shocked when the ads come on TV – all those book clubs and other groups of women sitting about discussing their LBL. I say to my daughter – what’s wrong with these women, most of them look as if they’re in their 30s or 40s! That’s a book club I never want to join.

    Vomitting would be bad, I’d fight that urge if possible. I spewed on the school bus once and it set off a chain reaction. Luckily it wasn’t my bus or I would have been ostracized for my remaining school years. I was having a sleepover at a friends house and I sometimes think of the terrible event and feel awfully sorry for the bus driver and the cleanup he had to do that night and how the bus was probably never the same. Thats what that lift would be like – forever soiled, people would get in it for years after and turn their nose up at that lingering smell. Weeing in the corner is acceptable although you’d have to confiscate everyone’s mobile phones first. You don’t want that showing up on FB.

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    • Years ago they had the women sitting around in television ads discussing laundry detergent, not it is bladder weakness – what do men think we really talk about when we are together?
      No, not on FB, though a plaque might be almost acceptable. We love seeing how the Romans peed after all!

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  2. Had me chuckling. Thank you.
    Your daughter is truly yours. Dealing with a crisis with calm and decorum. Classy lady.
    Not sure about the pee problem. If it was one of those iron lifts you could aim for the gap I suppose…

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  3. Plastic bags. Carry plastic bags with you. That would work for either end. Then make sure you’re never on an elevator with anyone you might see again. You could add interest to the stories they could tell when they got home.

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  4. No elevators for me either. I won’t drive in the middle lane of any 3-lane freeway either for fear of not having an escape path if the need arises. You could carry a portable drill in your handbag to make a hole in the floor for relief purposes whenever the need arises.

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    • Now, I had never considered a portable drill! It provides multiple functions as I can drill into my companions’ brains if they annoy me. I shall be packing plastic bags and drills now – luckily large handbags are in fashion!

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