Spring sprung and it is the father of all days

First day of spring here in the southern hemisphere, and it is also Father’s Day; Mr FD’s first as a grandfather too! It has been a rather quiet affair after the events of recent. Yesterday, on our way back from visiting BIL in the hospital (running a fever and on intravenous antibiotics and morphine for his pain) Mr FD and I stopped at a nearby village to lunch at the little restaurant where I normally socialise with my girlfriends.

I had one glass of wine, while he had coffee and we both had pasta dishes, and sweet, rich desserts. It is months since we had lunched, I mean more than a quick hamburger somewhere, so it was lovely.

Mr FD, ever the adventurer wanted to resume our search for my grandparents farm (I haven’t been there since the 1960s!) armed with some information from my sister, but while we got close I was never convinced we were in the right spot. It was only when we returned home and I suggested googling a cousin who lived nearby that we got onto Google Earth and actually found what I thought was the site. It seemed to have the house and farm buildings in approximately the right geographic location, but we need to sight to be sure. In those days there was no road signs, or house numbers, it was just farms.

It was fun to tell Mr FD some of the family tales which no doubt after 36 years of marriage he has heard before, except for maybe the story about “that is where the house where the lady shot her brains out and Grandpa had to clean the mess up, used to be. There were just house stumps remaining when I was a child…” He already knew the story of my grandmother having a nervous collapse after the accidental death of her first child at the age of 2 and attacking a pet dog that she partially blamed for the accident with an axe…yes, we Flamingo Dancer women are really not to be messed with! I think a stick list is a civilised improvement over a wood axe!

The entire time though, one side of me was going through the motions, even enjoying moments, and certainly if anyone asked me how the day had been, I would have to honestly reply “rather pleasant”, but there was this incredible sadness, and a fight to hold back tears that I found so incredible. It was if I was looking in on another person altogether.

I understand anxiety. I grew up with anxiety, but in recent years I thought I had worked to put all that behind me. I have been happy and content but now my equilibrium, my identity, just seems to be dissolving. What an alien world I am in these last few weeks.

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14 thoughts on “Spring sprung and it is the father of all days

  1. I think the ‘going through the motions of life’ whilst knowing that half of you is far away and not really present for the automated actions is normal at this stage. The everyday happenings can give you some grounding when all else around you is so barren mentally.
    It sounds as if you have been here before and you know that eventually the fog will lift again – albeit something you can’t look to in the longterm right now.
    Sending you big hugs. And strength. The husband sounds good to have around right now (not that you should kill him later or anything – you know what I mean).

    • I tried to hide my state from Mr FD and maybe that made it worse, but he is so fiercely protective that sometimes his support makes it harder… and I know that doesn’t make sense, but then I rarely do!

  2. Forgot Fathers Day was in September over there.
    Agree with mumof4. Life is a diversion at this time. The routines and rhythm occupy us but from a distance.
    Your family are so much more interesting than mine – all house maids and ostlers.

    • The more I learn about my family, and Mr FD’s the more I realise that they really should have had television in those days to give them something to do besides plotting and fighting and fornicating in the fields!

    • It has been a very bad couple of weeks, and I took to my bed for a few days to work my way through a lot of it, but certainly knowing I need short term help and having great family support has helped me find my way back. Of course tomorrow is another day.

  3. Hang tough. I have moments such as these….where I wonder why I am doing any thing as none of it seems to make much of a difference anyway….This is probably why my faith is so important for me (Not that I am suggesting that you get religion at all.) I’m glad that you were able to go out some and enjoy the moments, as you work through this, the enjoyable moments will become longer and longer.. Hugs.

    • I no longer follow my Catholicism as I did when growing up, but I do believe I am a spiritual person, and I do feel a real connection to the land so I think both have helped me start my recovery. I scared me for awhile though.

    • I did wonder if I had an element of S.A.D. as we are at the tail end of our winter and I haven’t had as much exposure to sunshine as I normally would through winter, but I have always suffered anxiety ( generations of family anxiety makes that a no brainer) and I think it is just my time to be overwhelmed.

  4. Hold on tight – to yourself, to Mr. FD, to those you love. It will be merciful if BIL does not suffer long. You will survive – you are, after all woman. You know, “I am woman, I am strong” and to top that off, you are an FD woman.

    • My niece, his daughter, and I had that discussion last night – there is no happy ending in this one and if he is saved suffering well, so be it. As he said he is “sick,sick,sick of being sick,sick,sick!” Living is so damn exhausting though isn’t it…

  5. A person called Doug had commented on my blog some time back when I was on an emotional roller coaster that “the pendulum swings both ways”. That has become my mantra since. So, here’s to you – the pendulum swings both ways.

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