I am faced with a dilemma of monumental proportions. I have a colleague who works in the office opposite, our office doors open directly opposite each other, and he continuously comes into my office to give me his views on the world. He is young, racist and narrow minded. I want to hit him with a stick.
He is one of the I.T. guys though, and we all know that you don’t want to mess with the I.T. guys because they can make your life a misery for ever more. One of them set the spell check to change one women’s name when she sent emails and she could never work out what had happened.
To make it worse, the I.T. Irritant is hearing impaired and has a major stutter. It would be like kicking a puppy.
But I really, really want to hit him with my stick. I have tried all the usual hints, like continuing my work, shuffling papers, packing up my bag, leaving the room (he returns as soon as I do!).
The only thing that makes him scuttle is when his supervisor is sighted heading our way. I fear that he may think I am encouraging IT Irritant, when in truth, I want to drive my letter opener through his heart. I can’t shut the door, as then students think they can’t come to me for research help.
Today I ate my lunch and read the paper as he stood in front of my desk and yabbered away. I started to disagree with everything he said (usually I just utter things like “really”, “of course”, “no way”, “um, yeah”. He barely stopped for air.
Mr FD suggested that I shuffle papers and murmur that I have to get some really important work finished. I don’t know whether to take his advice, as I never have before in 35 years of marriage and if I do Mr FD may just drop dead from the shock, but that would be like killing two birds with one stone for me, so maybe I should.
I could talk to his supervisor, but Supervisor is not a man with a subtle bone in his body, and I think that is more than likely to end in Flamingo Dancer’s name mysteriously being changed to Flaming Dumpster at the end of each email for the rest of my life.
I am thinking of resurrecting the voodoo doll from the Basement of Discontent and stitching a little penis on it (it needs to be male to represent IT Irritant; I do not have penis envy.) Maybe I could stitch the doll’s mouth shut, or poke a pin in its throat, just deep enough to give him laryngitis for a month or two.
Somehow I am going to wreak havoc on him, but maybe not before he builds my new library web site. I missed a fine opportunity this week, when I was too good at holding in my evilosity, forgot that I don’t do nice and arranged a birthday cake for him (remember I have been ill recently) – I could have put laxative in his slice, or ground glass, or pins therefore saving the search for the voodoo doll.
Ah to hell with it, I am just going to put him on the stick list and beat him to a pulp.
Flaming Dumpster
STICK… all the way!!
Yeah, I think it is the only way to proceed.
Bake some yummy cupcakes with lots of peanut butter in the centers, and Mr. IT becomes too much to bear, shove one in his mouth. Just remember to hide any liquid.
You are almost as evil as I!
oooh this is a tough one. He clearly needs someone to chat with, but…he is not someone I’d enjoy knowing either. Best of luck to you!
He needs to get his work done too! Maybe I should ask his supervisor to load him up with work and deadlines!
If you beat him to death, they’ll have to replace him. Right?
And the world certainly won’t miss him…
Oh now you have me thinking that the devil you know is better than the one you don’t – at least this guy does everything I ask!
Oh FD! Co-workers from hell are my specialty! LOL
There was one like MR IT who was always on my nerves.
Right before I was to go on vacation one time was really bad…she would always stop to chat on and on and on. Finally I said ‘i have to get this done before vacation’ she didn’t get the hint and tried back a few hours later. I repeated ‘i really have to get this done’ Since then….it’s been only work related chat and it’s been lovely!!
Maybe I should use reverse psychology and have a list of tasks for him to do and every time he comes near ask him to do something. I think his work rate is low so maybe he will learn to avoid me!
Leaning towards the stick too but know what you mean about not pissing off IT. My vote therefore is for ratsak.
ratsak – brilliant, and he will go away to die!
Ah, can just see myself being tracked down as an accessory to murder now!
Oh I shall let you take all the credit for the plot, I shall call you my master mind!
You’re too kind.
Since I faced your stick the other day, here’s a consolation offering: have I sent you this?
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=472760272735968&set=a.464495600229102.110933.464179526927376&type=1&ref=nf
Someone sent it to me a little while ago, it may have been you. I adore it. I am not going to try the position though!
Sarcasm. There will be no blood on your hands – or stick – and if he’s as ignorant as he seems, well, he won’t get it. However, it will be MOST satisfying, and even more entertaining to those listening in.
At work, when a particular co-worker is caught on an impossible phone call, he’ll IM me, alerting me of the fact. I’ll then walk into his office and announce very loudly that he’s late for his conference call, or anything similar. Can’t help but work.
Maybe I should key up Minerva to come in and ask my opinion regarding something – good thinking. Sarcasm would be so much more enjoyable though… I am almost looking forward to Monday now!
I think we’ve all worked with (or FOR) someone like this. I love the voodoo doll idea (although I didn’t realize they had to be anatomically correct to work!) If he’s building your web site for you, I suggest you inundate him with constant requests for upgrades and changes and tweaks and new features (I used to be a web designer – clients do it all the time). Keep him busy and hopefully he’ll stay out of your hair (and your office). If all else fails, stick him (and stick him good!)
You are a wise woman, I shall follow your instructions. Liberation shall be mine!
Contact lens solution. Pop a few drops in his coffee (not too much, if you kill him there will be an inquest and technically it’s classed as poisoning) and he will spend the rest of the afternoon closeted in the men’s room wondering why it is that the world is dropping out of his bottom. He’ll not be bothering you and that’s for damned sure.
This post made me laugh diabolically. I feel you, girl.
And for something practical, tell him you have been getting in trouble for chatting too much and your not so subtle supervisor has made it very clear that he/she knows you’ve been chatting too much with the very busy and awesomely talented IT guy. Your supervisor would like you to stop chatting fruitlessly with this awesome IT guy and you can’t afford to be written up anymore because you may lose your job. Essentially, it’s not him, it’s you. You want to still be friends, but you need to break up.
These are just ramblings.
You can always do what Floyd did to Harry in “Dumb and Dumber.” That would make you feel really good, at least. Laxatives serve a multitude of purposes.
Emily Reese