With age and experience, you will be happy to know, growth becomes a conscious, recognized process. Still somewhat frightening, but at least understood for what it is. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of personality is about to be revealed.
This is from “Living By The Word: Selected Writings 1973-1987” by Alice Walker
I am waiting, holding my breath right now. What do I really want to be the next step? Perhaps this is my final cup of opportunity at the Last Chance Café… where do I walk to from here?
Restlessness disguised as stillness.
What else, then, is required?
The realization that as long as there is joy in creation there will always be new creations to discover, or to rediscover, and that a prime place to look is within and about the self.
The energy and purpose that you drew on to go back and study and qualify for a new career just needs to be re-awakened. I like the story about the farmer who had a swamp full of alligators. One day he realised he could double his output and pay off his farm debt if only he farmed the swamp. To do this he needed to drain the swamp and get rid of the alligators. So he he set off in his little punt, tools on board, for the opposite side of the swamp where he would dig his channel. The alligators attacked and he fought them off with his paddle. The punt overturned and depsepately he swam for shore, where exhausted, he dragged himself up the bank. The moral of the story is that when you’re up to your ass in alligators it’s hard to remember the intention was to drain the swamp. The Mole and I sometimes remind each other (during moment of panic, etc) remember the swamp!
Knee deep in the swamp but keeping the one eye on the channel.
thank you – when do you open your therapist’s office?
I’m kinda in the same place at the moment. What should be the next step? But all I can say is that I’ve been there before, and things fell into place. I guess just take one step at a time. ((hugs!))
I think I am angry because I took it on the chin when I was made redundant and marched off and went back to university and upskilled and set off into a new direction, and nothing has worked out since. Waiting for the scale to balance and get rather annoyed with it all. Of course there is no right to expect the balance because life is not fair etc. It is a waste of time expecting anything to be “right” but I will sally forth again soon. I will make something happen for me soon. I just get tired sometimes.
Hi F.D., it’s me Wendy aka Foible Gal, just letting you know that across the oceans, seas, time zone, I am feeling a bit like you. I am also about to fall into the abyss of the unknown as I contemplate quitting my safe University job that I’ve had since 1987. I want something creative…that isn’t soul sucking. I’m not sure of your situation, but I am relating to your feeling tired, and life isn’t fair part. I am wishing you much luck and hope things go your way soon, warm regards, from the Canadian Wendy
That is so well phrased. I wish I had read this a few years ago!
Maybe FD, it is time for you to explore some things that you have wanted to do. Is there a hobby you’ve wanted to try or something you’ve wanted to do but haven’t yet? Maybe some self-exploration would help?
I have come to realise that Alice Walker is a wise woman.
I know I am coming through this as a better person. Mr FD’s mother always said this type of issues are “character building” and Mr FD always replies “I must have the strongest character in the world”! The major issue for me, as I think about it now, is that I have lost faith in people, people in workplaces. We seem to have become so narcissistic and self indulgent, and forget to walk in another person’s shoes – no empathy.
Next steps are always difficult. I’m feeling ready for something now myself!
Reading your blog I had the sense that you and I are on a par in career issues. Luckily, you have time on your side. I have a sense that time is running out for me, that at 53 it is going to get harder to get jobs than previously. I am also tired from 16 years of full time work and study and I just want to get off the tread mill but damn I forgot to marry rich! We will survive!
You asked a question, and then you gave the answer.
*hugs*
Thank you. I have had a couple bad days, disillusioned by people and worn down by illness, but I took a couple of quiet days and I am starting to feel better now.
I’ve told you this, but I returned to college at 54. After the degree four years later, I worked five years at my career and then quit because mom needed attention. Now that mom is gone after 2-1/2 years, any real career aspirations are irrelevant–and I definitely didn’t marry rich. So, now I’m in one of those periods that Walker speaks of…and, well, you do the math. But I just read about a guy who still sits the federal bench in some U.S. city at 103. And just finished The Invisible Wall, by Harry Bernstein, who was 93 when he wrote it, his first of three books. Buck up, FD, you are way young. Relax into this time and allow it to unfold. There is much ahead for you.
There is a part of my brain that recognises that, but over the last few days I lost sight of all that. I feel as though I am working my way through all that, one step at a time.